
never train legs with Bartman
TOP 10 BART-ISM’S OF BODYBUILDING
Lessons from the Dark (and Ugly) Side of Weight Training
Foreword: When I first met the Bartman in 2003, he immediate came off as an arrogant and unintelligent loudmouth who got away with talking cock because he looked like a rejected offspring of The Hulk (apparently he wasn’t green enough). Then, he trained, humiliated and imposed physical torture on a poor obese kid whose biggest mistake was to pay for it. That obese kid was me. 18 months, 12 kgs of new lean mass (all natural mind you), and 23% loss of bodyfat (to a mere 7.5%) later, you can’t help but admire the bloke who showed you the way to a physique you never thought you could have in this lifetime. I hit the learning curve faster than an oil tanker crashing into a logging truck; and yes, the learning was literally that painful. Above all else, I eventually saw past Bartman’s bike-riding babe-banging trash-talking and uber-macho façade and found one of the most inspirational, intelligent and loyal friends a person could ever ask for. I would like to share some of those lessons I learnt with all y’all in this article, or at least the top 10 that is worth mentioning (the guy sure rambles a lot!) Let’s count backwards then:
10. Bartman says, “Let the mirror be your guide” – Measuring Your Progress
Throw away your tapes, your scales and those weird contraptions called calipers! Well, in truth, I say that for effect; those measuring instruments are best if used sparingly. Weighing yourself everyday will just put you in the looney bin because water weight can fluctuate up to 2 kgs within a matter of hours depending on the time of day and the food you eat. Measuring your biceps daily is also an exercise in futility cuz muscle just don’t grow that fast, and so is measuring bodyfat. For all these measurements, pick one day each week (for example, every Sunday) and the same time (for example, 9:00 am upon waking and after taking your morning dump) to chart your progress on paper. Other than that, use the mirror as your guide. Are your delts developing symmetrically with your chest? Are you noticing more definition and vascularity with each passing day? Are your quads big enough? These are the right questions to help you steer the course of your training, NOT “Umm, why did I weigh 2 kgs heavier now at 7 p.m. than in the morning? Holy shit! I’m getting fat, SOMEBODY HELP!!”
9. Bartman says, “Take a week off; you’ve earned it!” (aka , “I better not see your ugly ass in here next week”) – The Importance of Rest
Anybody who has had the pleasure, ahem, I meant displeasure, of training legs with Bart will know that it is a fate worse than being stoned to death. To hear him tell you any of those aforementioned sentences after 12 or so weeks of hardcore training will sound sweeter than a symphony of seven angels going into orgasm! Adequate rest is as important as weight training itself as it allows your muscles to repair and grow in order to accommodate future demands. In terms of giving your body a solid break, as a beginner’s rule of thumb, a week off after every 8 weeks of training will recharge your batteries (by fully restoring muscle glycogen) and prevent CNS (Central Nervous System) burnout. It also allows your tendons and joints, both crucial tissue matrices that many people fail to prioritize, to recuperate from the workload and stress that has been placed on it. Did you know, it takes up to 8 or 9 weeks for muscle/tendon collagen (the stuff that attaches the muscle to the bone) to repair itself? Failure to allow collagen to rebuild itself completely may result in injuries like tendonitis, tendinosis or fibrosis. Is one week of complete rest too much to ask for? That was a rhetorical question, you idiot.
8. Bartman says, “Less is More” – The Perils of Overtraining
Bartman proposes weight training the same way he has sex: Get in, be quick, and then get the hell out! Except here, instead of two minutes, we’re talking keeping your workouts between 45 to 60 minutes. Many studies conducted on athletic males have shown that a man’s testosterone level peaks roughly 40-45 minutes into his workout and stays elevated till about 60 minutes, at which point it begins a steep decline and the body ramps up hormones like cortisol (a catabolic muscle wasting hormone) because it starts going into a form of starvation mode. That is just one of the perils of overtraining, not to mention insomnia (hence, impaired rest), excessive CNS burnout and unwarranted stress on the ligaments and joints.
Avoiding overtraining also means that you do not work out the same muscle group if it has not fully recovered from a previous workout. In terms of resting between working the same muscle group, if you are intense enough, training once a week is ideal, given that various studies have demonstrated muscle fibers can take anywhere from 7-9 days to fully recover from weight training. Also, if you are sick, there is no point forcing yourself to train for the sake of completing your set amount of workouts per week: that is potentially the worst form of overtraining you can commit, right at the get go! In my own words, “A missed workout is unfortunate; a forced workout is detrimental.”
7. Bartman says, “If you take steroids, you’ll be a walking billboard for it!” (aka, “I’m up to my eyeballs in it!”) – Starting Out On The Juice
This is kind of a sensitive topic; but in the spirit on honesty, and the fact that this forum is literally screaming ”Steroids!!!”, let’s strip away all pretenses, along with your girlfriend’s lingerie. I once told Bart I wanted to be big but not Bart-Big and he had the laugh of his life. Now I know why: You are never as big as you want to be. If you want to use gear but “don’t want people to find out about it”, you are eventually fooling yourself. People are not as stupid as you think; eventually they will catch on, especially when they notice your bench presses jump up over 50 lbs within 2 weeks (if you’re “secretly” guzzling D-bols of course).
Your body produces only so much free testosterone, which, amongst all else, is the androgenic anabolic hormone that maintains your muscle mass. Therefore, there is a natural lean mass limit that you will reach after you have trained long and hard enough, which varies from individual to individual. After that point, if you are serious about bodybuilding, your only recourse will be to artificially boost your hormones with exogenous steroids (testosterone and its various derivatives) to attain that herculean physique you so desire. However, this is not a decision to be taken lightly. Taken too early (late teens/early twenties), steroids can permanently fuse your growth plates, thereby preventing you from getting taller, or permanently impair your HPTA (Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Testicular-Axis) and hence your ability to naturally produce testosterone while lowering your sperm count. Taken at ridiculous doses or too long a period, steroids can shut your HPTA down for a long time and some side effects can include gynecomastia, or “bitch tits”, and muscle cell receptor saturation, where the gear just doesn’t work anymore (our bodies are designed to adapt to anything). Hence, one must recognize the importance of cycling and subsequently the need for a Post Cycle Therapy (PCT) to help bring back your testes online and keep as much gains from the cycle as possible.
6. Bartman says, “I can kill you with pussy weights” (aka “Leave your ego at home”) – Perfecting Form and Focus
Bart once placed a measly 6 plates (120 kgs) on the leg press and said that’s what we would be pressing. “Isn’t that kinda light?” said I, and he was quick to add, “Wait till we’re done.” Three sets of 10 mega-slow reps later, each twenty-second (10 seconds eccentric, 10 concentric), and I was pleading for death (mercy is not one of Bart’s strong suits). It was the most painful thing I have had to endure; tears literally came out of my eyes. Moral of the story is: Don’t train with Bart, EVER! Seriously, the point here is that you don’t need to lift heavy to impress the ladies; they may look once but will forget you exist the very next minute. Just take the weights down and focus on really working the intended muscle with strict form and controlled movements that will negate momentum and excess involvement of the peripheral muscles. Needless to say, after that leg workout, Bart had fun laughing his bubble butt off watching me waddling down the stairs like a lame duck, and smiled with satisfaction when I still couldn’t walk without limping three days later. Just goes to show that even moderate weight high volume workouts have their place in building your dream physique.
5. Bartman says ,”10,9,9,9,8,7,7,6,5,4,3,3,3,2,2,2,2,1” – Shock of the Unexpected
Hmmm, is it really a set of 10 reps if you end up doing 20? Unless Bart is being an asshole or he simply can’t count (a scary possibility really). Yes, we’ve stressed the importance of NOT overtraining, but in the context of that one hour you have, going all out is fair game! Your body is a stubborn and lazy piece of machinery – it simply won’t budge unless you bitch slap it into changing its set point… and then it’ll just adapt again until you have to slap it around some more. Muscle is the most costly thing for the body to build and maintain; as the bodybuilding wisdom dictates, “a pound of muscle burns four times the calories as a pound of fat”. Hence, muscle is physiologically treated as a luxury needed only when external stimuli prove too much for the current musculature to handle. This is where forced reps, drop sets, eccentric reps or compound sets come into play. They help throw a wrench into the system, shocking it out of its complacency, thereby allowing you to break out of your plateau or that tedious rut you’ve found yourself in. You ought to incorporate these various tools in your exercise sessions at least every other workout in order to keep your muscles guessing and growing.
4. Bartman says, “You squat like a girl!” (aka “Your mother squats more than that”) – Aggression and Motivation
Bartman simply loves publicly emasculating you; he gets off on it – it makes him feel like the Big Man on Campus. You hate his guts for it and it makes you want to cut off his balls and feed them to a school of hungry piranhas… and that’s precisely why the trash talking works! Aggression is key. It is easy to fall into a rut and go through the motions when you’re working out alone with nobody to egg you on or spot you. This is why having a training buddy can make all the difference. Both of you are constantly trying to outdo one another; and if someone is stronger, then one is trying to catch up while the other tries to up the par. It’s a beautiful concept really, using the male propensity for competition as a motivational tool. Furthermore, knowing there’s someone to spot you and help rack the weight should you reach failure gives you a mental edge to push the envelope. Besides, being humiliated by your buddy in public is no fun. Just ask Proman, who is sporting pink lacey panties as we speak, but only because he got me to break my bench press record by challenging me, albeit online.
3. Bartman says, “You are what you eat” (aka, “If you cheat on my diet, I’ll come to know about it”, aka, “You wanna BE BIG? EAT BIG!”) – Diet is Everything
The first time I ever went on a cutting diet under Bart’s guidance, he had me on restricted carbs. Now being an obese carboholic, that constituted extreme torture; but as I started seeing the results day by day, I kept with the program… until one night, six weeks in, when I had insatiable sugar pangs. I binged hungrily on NINE candy bars in 15 minutes, drooling like a prisoner on parole getting his first lap dance at a strip club after ten years. Unlike the analogy though, I felt sick (and guilty) afterwards. Two days later, Bart takes a look at me, pinches my love handles, does his two fingered bloat test (ask him if you wanna know this neat little trick) and says, “you’ve been naughty.” I admitted my transgressions and his idea of appreciating the honesty was completely eliminating carbs from my diet down to a bare minimum. Needless to say, it was a cruel punishment that was also a blessing, because it eventually got me down to a mere 7.5% bodyfat, something I had never achieved before. Towards the last few weeks, salt was eliminated, so were protein shakes and a whole range of other foods. I was left with a bland and tasteless diet of grilled meats, nuts and veggies. But man, did it show in the mirror: I looked like my diet, lean and mean.
On a side note, no matter how much caloric deficit you wish to create, eating at least 6 meals a day will ensure a constant stream of nutrients while minimizing muscle catabolism and maximizing fat metabolism, seeing as you negate your body’s need for fat storage. Furthermore, whole foods are always a superior choice to protein shakes, since they elicit a thermogenic effect via increasing your body temperature ever so slightly. Also, the nutrients are absorbed more sustainably throughout the day. Bart proved it by the diet he prescribed me, consisting of nothing but stuff you could buy at the local supermarket. So please throw away your fancy Hydroxycuts and NO2 haemodilators if you think they can help you circumvent a strict diet; Pish posh!
2. Bartman says, “It ain’t a leg workout till you puke” – Intensity
Like I said before; unless you are a masochist, you do not want to be caught dead in a leg workout with the Bartman! Heavy ass squats followed by 100 rep leg presses, then some walking lunges, a couple of knee breaking leg extensions and some more light ass-to-the-grass squats thrown in for good measure; by then, you’re ready to puke out all your meals from the previous week! Well, I exaggerate; but it goes to show the true meaning of intensity. Pain is but your brain’s interpretation of signals sent to it by the nerve endings in your muscles, period. Pain is good in that if someone lit a match under your ass, you’d want to know about it. In bodybuilding, however, given that it is the “right” kind of pain (not followed by a ripping or cracking sound, in which case, “Oops!” would be the right response), you have to learn to push past it. Surpassing that threshold mentally is the key to truly unlocking your strength- this is intensity. No matter whether you go light weight high volume or heavy weight low volume, if your muscles aren’t begging for mercy within the hour, you’re not training intensely enough. PERIOD. Note: This, however, is no excuse for sacrificing good form and controlled movement.
1. Bartman says, “There is no such thing as I Can’t” – Mind Over Matter
And now to the most important (drum rolls please) Bartism of all. If you see the Bartman load 4 plates a side on the squat bar and you gasp in horror saying, “I can’t possibly do that!”, you’re bound to hear him utter these inelegant yet profound words of wisdom. When you lift the weight with your traps and don’t have a choice but to get that goddam bar off again after 10 reps; YOU’RE GONNA DO IT! Bart just stands there shouting obscenities at you and will not lift a finger to help until you’re literally half a second away from crashing to the floor, at which point he shouts, “C’mon! This is the most important rep; feel the burn!!” Once again, that’s his crude way of emphasizing the importance of the Mind Muscle Connection (MMC). It’s not enough to lift heavy, but the focus on the muscle and presence of mind needs to be there to feel each and every designated muscle fiber destroy itself. Looking at the bigger picture, on the other hand, “Mind Over Matter” also is a close cousin of “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” If you wanna get massive; and you want it badly enough: You will find a way, no matter how busy your schedule is, to eat those 7 depressing meals a day and bust your ass off at the gym whenever your schedule permits. Also, if you want to lift insane amounts of weight, go for it! Keep incrementally upping your lifts without fearing the weights, because you’ve already doomed yourself to guaranteed failure if you do!
Cheers,
www.bodybuildingarea.com